Those Phrases from My Father That Saved Me as a Brand-New Parent

"I believe I was just in survival mode for a year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her chief support while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward words "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mums and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his challenges are part of a wider inability to open up amongst men, who continue to hold onto harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It isn't a display of being weak to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - taking a short trip overseas, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the language of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "terrible actions" when younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a friend, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, at times I believe my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."